Captain’s Log – Year 2016, Day 61:

Woken multiple times at an early hour by a cranky tiny human for unknown reasons. Human had been fed and rationed with clean clothing. It must want for things I cannot supply. Feelings of inadequacy abound amongst both parental units.

Remorseful submission to a television device McGyvered to be a babysitter ensued, with the hopeful air of acquiring that last 20 minutes of much needed sleep for both adults. More protests. Then ponies? Yes, ponies. What the hell? I’m the proud new owner of a yellow My Little Pony, while my husband drew the long stick and was awarded the pink one. I should feel jealousy, but I only feel tired.

Up next: Cutlery. Lots of it. All of the spoons and the forks and the knives. Unfortunately, no breakfast-in-bed to accompany an entire 4-person place setting on my pillow. I clutched the green spoon like a teddy bear, wishing for a reprieve. Ah, but that’s where I jinxed us all….

A box of imaginative story cards fell victim next. The tiny human “made it rain” and threw all 30 something cards absolutely everywhere accompanied by a maniacal laugh. Then, said tiny human had the nerve to ask “What happen, mommy? What happen?” Mommy effectively lost her tired shit and uttered “You’re an asshole, baby. That’s what happened.” Tiny human wasn’t satisfied with this answer and kept demanding “But what happen mommy?” as if there could possibly be another reason for her behavior.

Then there were dinosaurs. All of them. They’re worse than Lego assaults on your feet. Both parental units are losing hope for what may come at the turn of day 62, and we’ve such a long adventure ahead to arrive there yet.